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[27 Apr 2009|10:35am] |
Dear God,
he comes to me in my dreams, only it's not just him anymore......it's also her and the baby.
take these away from me
they wreck me and hurt me and remind me and exhaust me
i'm so tired of this pain
and all i can do beg you to take it away
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| IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL |
[04 Jan 2009|06:36pm] |
- When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul. - Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
- Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. - My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! - For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. - But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! - And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
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[27 Jul 2008|08:56pm] |
Unexpected Joy
Unexpected Pain
A Loving God
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[09 Jul 2008|06:20pm] |
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Forbidden Love- Always
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[04 Feb 2008|11:30am] |
there are certain memories i wish desperately i could erase from my head. they are so painful to think about and almost make me sick to my stomach physically.
i have this incredible urge to go back to the girl i once was and warn her for her own sake in the future, to stay away so that her future might be saved from pain that integrates itself into every crevice of her life. i know the girl wouldn't have listened though because the emotions were too high to exclude and deny herself.
maybe it was all worth it in the end. maybe what i have learned will carry me through life and save me from a different kind of pain that i couldn't have escaped had i not learned what i did. now i just pray i will have the forsight not to make the same mistakes i did and to recognize who to stay away from and who to get involved with.
wisdom is what i pray for.
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[09 Jan 2008|03:25pm] |
Conversation at dinner last night with my parents discussing that man that killed himself on the train tracks:
Mom: "if i was going to kill myself i'd take pills"
Liz: " i wouldn't, i'd slit my wrist"
Dad: "you aren't the typical girl because the typical girl would overdose on pills"
Liz: "pills aren't guaranteed, i see failed suicide attempts at work all the time and i wouldn't want my stomach pumped. This way i'd just fayed out like mom almost did after she had me"
Mom: "oh yeah, that wasn't so bad"
how disturbing is this conversation for a family to have? lol
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[28 Oct 2007|03:06pm] |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!
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[25 Aug 2007|09:28pm] |
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pain has been my almost constant companion over the past 4 years. it is once again.
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[27 Jul 2007|12:47pm] |
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i hate drama. i am now in an argument with someone i don't know all that well. it 's all been over the computer so needless to say it has had misinterpretations i'm sure. this person said he was going to call me this week and i had hoped he would, especially after we started "discussing" this issue online. it's now friday, this began last sunday and we are supposed to hang out on monday. we have not settled the issue and i'm beginning to wonder if it is going to get settled. i've taken the first step by bringing it to the surface and saying i would like to discuss this in person rather than on the internet. but he has not said he would call. he said he would try and so far that means he won't be calling. i don't want to do the calling because i've already been accused of being impatient but i find this ridiculous. i just want to talk to him on the phone and get all of this out of the way and over with. right now i'm sitting here wondering if we are even going to hang out on monday or if this is going to be drawn out until then. i don't know him well enough to know how he handles conflict- he seems like the type to ignore it until he's forced to talk about it. this is stupid
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[22 Jun 2007|12:37pm] |
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Excerpts part 1 Excerpts from my journal during my trip to Russia: Day 2- After 36 hours of travel due to delays and missing our flight from JFK to Moscow, we arrived in Holoy. Our bathroom has all exposed plumbing, ugly green tile and toilet paper that cannot be flushed down the toilet but has to be put in the trash can. No shower in our room, no hot water and water that smells like rotten eggs because of the sulpher in it. The beds are as hard as the floor despite their extremely thin mattress but do have nice full pillows. The smell is peculiar- not awful but peculiar probably due to the sulpher water. I'm hearing music from another room that sounds like it's straight out of Borat. The town is obviously very old with many building that have classic Russian architecture but also has many buildings typical of the communist era. All of the buildings look decrepid and falling apart. The people don't smile and are very hard/tough looking. Body odor is very common and doesn't seem to be noticed by the russians. Cars have the right of way here and don't stop for pedestrians. Everyone walks here as well, most people don't have cars. The apartment buildings the people live in look like abandoned buildings in Detroit. Lots of broken windows. There are no screens on the windows either and if they are opened, let in tons of mosquitoes. (They have a ton more mosquitoes than we do here it seems). Day 3- Last night i found out Russians think smiling is a sign of stupidity. I'd noticed none of them smiling back at me when i would smile at them, but instead just stare. Americans are lazy and stupid in their opinion. Smiling to them is what mentally handicapped people do therefore americans must be stupid because we smile so much (i never realized how much i smile until i came here). The children at the orphanage still smile though. It hasn't been stripped of them yet. The sun doesn't go down until midnight and comes up at 4 a.m. i have to wear an eye mask to bed because of this. The children- They all want any kind of attention they can get. When i walked into the room i was immediately talked to and touched. They come up to you and hug you, grab your hand to hold it, invite you to sit next to them, physically move your arm so that it's around them and call you mama. I connected with a 1st grader named vova immediately. He was quiet and gentle with the other kids and immediately wanted me to sit next to him when he saw me. The sweetest boy i've ever met. I wish i could adopt him.
Excerpts part 2 Day 4- The days are starting to go by fast. the food has been pretty good. I really enjoy their soups. the orphanage is an old monestary with a church they now use as their gym. Once upon a time it was a beautiful church with an onion dome i'm sure. The pole that used to hold the onion dome is still in the steeple. I imagine what it once looked like. I really like all the translators. I've bonded especially with Lena and Tonya. Both of them so willing to answer all my millions of questions. This morning session went by really fast. We always have a lesson in the morning, singing, a game and then break into small groups. Erica, Lena and I are with the kindergardners. Very adorable. With them we do lots of crafts. They LOVE stickers. After crafts we go out and play on the playground. We have eight kids in our group. Nina, Nastaya, Vika, Sasha, Denis, Koystya, Andrei, and Ruslan. Ruslan is the tinyest and very adorable. Vika (short for Victoria) is being adopted by a single woman in California next week. Nina is little with red hair and very spunky. They are all deemed "small brained" or mentally challenged, but seem very normal to me. All the kids at this orphanage are fetal alcohol syndrome babies and most have been abused/neglected/given up by their parents. Only a couple are "real" orphans having no parents. If these kids were in the states they would get special education and be considered normal. In Russia these kids don't stand a chance at having a normal life or going to college because the state has deemed them to be "unable" to learn. so incredibly sad, especially since almost all of them are obviously SO normal. A child named Vitya seems to have adopted me as his favorite american. Whenever he sees me he wants me all to himself. He always holds my hands or puts my arm around him in large group, wants me to play with him on the playground and stays by my side whenever he can. He's a very sweet boy and has had it really rough. He has something wrong with his legs and has to drag them to be able to walk. This doesn't prevent him from doing anything though and seems to have adapted well. He's teased by the other kids though i can tell despite the language barrier. His story is an incredibly sad one. His parents were alcoholics and neglected him horribly. They wouldn't let him into their apartment and forced him to live on the stairwell. That is where he slept, ate, and went to the bathroom. When he was five the neighbors called the police and he was placed in the orphanage. I wouldn't be surprised if the reason he has trouble with his legs had something to do with not getting stimulation early on and living in a stairwell.
Excerpts part 3 Day 5
I'm getting to know the translators Tonja and Katya better. I've asked them a million questions and they seem to enjoy answering them as well as finding me a bit quirky because of them (quirky in a good way :). I know Tonja finds me funny because today when we were talking and i told her i like gardening and growing vegetables, the first thing that came out of her mouth was "but you are so young!". i found this very humorous since everyone that knows me back home knows i'm an "old lady" at heart. :). it's really fun hanging out with them and getting to know people from a whole different culture.
I've also gotten to know Lena, another translator, pretty well. She translates for Erica and I when we are with the kindergardners. Today the kids were getting their baths during small group time so the three of us got to talk for about 45 minutes. we talked about the differences she has experienced living under communism and now under capitalism. it is evident to me that we americans were fed a lot of propaganda, which of course isn't surprising. i'm sure they were fed propaganda about us as well.
a couple things that stuck out to me. #1. after graduating university (all of their schooling was free by the way) every person automatically had a job. The government would tell them based on their grades, where they were going to work. there was a 3 year period that was obligatory and after that they could do whatever they wanted: go back to school to study something different, move to a different city or whatever. that was one myth dispelled. i was always taught that they had no options, that the government told them what they were going to do and that they were going to do that forever. #2. she told us that they were paid well. another myth dispelled. i was always taught they were extremely poor. #3: they were allowed to leave the country if they were a member of the communist party. 3rd myth dispelled. i was under the impression no one was allowed to leave. now, if they weren't a member then they couldn't leave so that part was true, and a lot of people weren't members. but there was an option, which of course was news to me. My impression of the way people lived in Russia changed based on this conversation. i am still not in favor of communism of course ( i would never want my government oppressing my right to religion after all or my freedom of speech) but it did give me a new understanding of how propaganda can play into ones views. Lena said there are pros and cons to both communism and capitalism. She said some of the pros to capitalism is the ability to go wherever they want in the world, freedom of religion, to not have to wait in lines for food (that part was true) and the availability of foreign cars and foreign merchandise such as the lastest tv's, computers, etc. Some things she struggles with about capitalism however are the lack of jobs and the collapse of the economy which is slowly recovering but still evident in every day life. she said it's hard to find a job and there are a lot of beggars and homeless people now. that was not the case during communism. she said back then one never saw people going through trash cans....
It was a very enlightening conversation and wonderful to hear the opinions of a russian who lived through "the cold war" and is now living in the beginnings of capitalism in her country.
Day 6
All the kids at the orphanage seem to have adopted an american as "their" american "mama" or "dad" in chris's case (he's our only male on the team besides sergey the translator). i have been adopted by three in particular. Vitya, Vova and Nina. They are the ones that always run to me when they see me and want hugs and to hold my hand. they are "my special ones" and i love spending time with them. i guess this is what it feels like to be a mom. i didn't expect to get attached to any of the kids in the short time of a week but i was warned this would happen and they were right. i wish i could take all three of them home. i'm hoping i'll get to sponsor vova since he doesn't have anyone and it sounds like it's a high probability i'll get to. Vitya has a good sponsor which makes me happy and so does nina. The kids consider their american sponsors their "mom or dad" and get so very happy when they receive letters from them. it's really sad though because even though almost all of the kids have american sponsors, not all the sponsors write letters or engage in a relationship with their child. of course this makes the kids feel even more rejected when the other kids in the orphanage get letters and they don't. this is heartbreaking. the relationship with the child is so much more important than the money. they don't see the money anyway. but from the letters they feel special and loved by someone that they don't have to share with the rest of the kids.
Tonight i found out from Tonya that Vova asked her who his mom's were and when she replied who he said "you and liz". this broke my heart cause i love him so much and i can't take him home. i would love to adopt him and i pray that i can one day before he's moved to the next orphanage. it is heart wrenching. Day 7
Today we said goodbye. i cried a few times. The kids put on a concert for us including singing and dancing and playing native russian instruments. During the concert Olya, one of the fourth graders who will be leaving in september for a new orphanage, started crying almost immediately. i could feel the pain as i watched her silent tears fall while she tried to sing along with the rest. our visit for the fourth graders was bittersweet because they know this is their last few months at the orphanage and the life they have known. they are all scared and we are scared for them. the orphanages for the older kids are just crash pads really. they don't have structure and the children can do pretty much anything they want. 12 year olds are mixed in with 17 year olds and with that comes abuse from the older kids, especially for the girls as you can imagine. they have no support system either because the state provides one caregiver for every 50 kids. The statistics for these children are not good. 75% become prostitutes or turn to crime to survive. They have no hope of going to college and are sent to tech schools where they recieve training for jobs that will not pay them enough to support themselves. this is the probable fate of all the kids at our orpahanage if they are not adopted out.
after the concert we gave each child a school bag filled with coloring books, pencils, a calculator and pencil sharpner, etc. they were all so excited and especially loved the calculators, carrying them around the rest of the day. it was a hard day for me knowing i won't be seeing them again until a year from now God willing. when it was time to say goodbye, i was holding vitya on a bench and started crying silently. when he looked up and saw my tears then he started crying and we just sat there hugging. he then turned to lena the translator and told me not to cry, that everything was going to be ok. i told him i loved him and i would write him and gave him my name tag to remember me by. (he had given me his name tag earlier in the week) i also told vova i would write him as well when i gave him a hug goodbye. it was heartbreaking. when we drove away vitya blew me a kiss (something i had taught him and vova earlier in the week) and i blew him one. i pray these two will be adopted, if not by me, by someone.
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[02 Jun 2007|12:46am] |
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it was a warm night in ann arbor tonight. walking through the courtyard i started to cry. the last time i was there on a night like tonight we were together. all i could think about was you.
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[29 May 2007|03:56pm] |
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i have gotten used to lonliness
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[25 May 2007|02:06pm] |
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i had dreams about you all night long last night. i don't remember them but i know you haunt me in my sleep often. i wonder how you are. i hope and pray you are well. i am praying for you.
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[23 Apr 2007|10:32pm] |
intervention. he loved his girl the way you love me. tears fell.
i dreamt about you last night. i think we kissed.
i listened to nada surf today and remembered august of 03.
but i won't look at our pictures. i don't want to face the pain.
i bought the new breaking benjamin and i will think of you as i listen.
it is a fight every day to withstand the temptation.
you do not leave my thoughts.
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[21 Apr 2007|11:01pm] |
it seems safe to post on here.
i look at your picture every day
and wonder what my future holds
do you look at mine
and wonder the same thing
i dreamt about you the other night
but i can't remember if it was good or bad
i at least got to look into your eyes though
and not just your image on a piece of paper
i don't remember your scent
i don't remember what it felt like to hold your hand
but i do remember the connection we felt
and the connection we still feel
always........
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| 7 years |
[15 Apr 2007|07:08pm] |
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i have so many things i'd like to say but i know i shouldn't. it reminds me of 3 1/2 years ago when we were sitting on the couch in the sayes office and i told him there were so many things i wanted to tell him but it wasn't the right time. at that point i couldn't divulge my secrets because i had a boyfriend and now it's because he and i need to have a year clean. he from drugs and me from him. my therapist says this is the healthiest thing we can do and i believe her. but it is heart wrenching just the same. he and i both have a lot to work to do and i believe if we were talking, neither of us would be able to accomplish the changes we need to make within ourselves so that if there is a next time we can start over fresh without our problems getting involved. i understand dales struggle to stay clean because i struggle every day with the urges to call him. i'm sure my struggle isn't as fierce as his but it is a very hard struggle just the same. just like with a drug, as time goes on it's getting easier but it is still really difficult. when i think about another 6 months i want to go crazy but just like in aa you are supposed to take it one day at a time. i am trying to do this. the days the sun is out i feel ok, like i can do this and in the end it will be worth it. the days it's overcast and gray i have a very difficult time staying positive. our relationship has always always being over run with complications and it feels like we are never just going to have it simple the way so many others do. isn't it supposed to be just a matter of falling in love and getting married? how wonderful that would have been. but we were not to be cast upon the easy road. ours has been a road that began seven years ago and to this day has no end in sight. i wonder if we will ever reach the end of the road which in turn is really just the beginning. i think i would experience a joy so many others haven't. he and i have been in the deepest valley so wouldn't our mountain be the highest? i still allow myself to fantasize and dream our story will have a happy ending. with the help of aa and alanon the fantasy could become reality and with God all things are possible.
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[14 Feb 2007|12:15pm] |
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THANKS FOR THE CARD MOM!!!
I LOVE YOU
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!
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[09 Feb 2007|11:31am] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!
I LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS!
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[02 Nov 2006|03:52pm] |
the cruise came at the perfect time. i forgot about my troubles temporarily and ate up the 85 degree weather, the sun, and the pool/beach.
one of the jamaican band members asked for my name over the mic and sang me two love songs in front of everyone on deck. that was the highlight of my life, second only to one night that took place in a cemetery.
we had bunk beds in our room which was so fun especially when the boat was rocking.
ice cream cones were available 24/7.
i got to know carol and lisa and i love them.
we girls made a pact that we weren't going to take the elevator and only use the stairs. that was 6 or 7 flights every day a few times a day.
ate jamaican food at a little restaurant in nassau and bargained with the locals in one of their out door markets.
we made friends with a couple guys from british columbia and one of them turned out to be a criminal. he went to juvy for home invasion for two years( that's when the people are home and you tie them up and rob them), committed a home invasion a couple weeks before the cruise, stabbed a guy for raping his friend and snuck a knife on board the ship. that was scary.
i can't wait for the next one.
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[29 Oct 2006|07:47pm] |
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVE!!!!
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